I had so many negative influences around me I was sure I wouldn’t be able to handle the pressure of farming. But I went dairying anyway.
You might ask why.
Dairy farming hasn’t caused my depression. I entered the industry with depression. It was my choice despite my peers and counsellors telling me not to become a farmer.
This is my story.
My mind and thoughts became clouded and dark three years ago when I left school.
I had everything lined up and my life planned out perfectly or so I thought.
I had a scholarship for university and a placement lined up so I could become an early childhood teacher. I had a passion for teaching and children’s development.
Exams were fast approaching and when I admitted I needed help with study everything I wanted was taken away just like that.
I was told “You are unfit to be a teacher due to your mental health.” I will never forget those words.
Why did my mental health have to define me as a person?
You know when you have something or someone, no matter how you are feeling, they or it are the reason for your happiness, where all your focus is directed. Sometimes you even get happy, fuzzy butterflies in your stomach. My happiness was education.
Those words knocked me back. I developed suicidal thoughts through feeling worthless. I had my dream job snatched away.
I saw my doctor about my thoughts and feelings, was diagnosed with depression, prescribed anti-depressants and a psychiatrist was organised.
I became smarter and wiser.
I learnt I could fake my happiness, fake my emotions and lie – lie to the doctors about the way I was feeling while deep down I was a walking mess.
I never took the pills though I told everyone I did. I wanted to cope my own way, by sleeping and clinging to my bed all day, every day.
I confided in my mother one day when I was in hospital about my self-loathing and told her “I want to kill myself”. She spoke to the nurses and I was seen by a psych nurse. She tried to help me but I lied to her about my feelings.
I hated my mother for going behind my back and talking to someone about my mental health.
I left home and moved in with a guy I met online. I thought it was love, yet I wasn’t safe.
I turned to alcohol in the hope that would help. I could’ve easily finished off a 24-pack of Woodstocks by myself. I was using alcohol as my go-to to make myself happy.
It all came to a head one night during an argument. Fuelled by booze, I became violent, not towards others but towards myself.
I sought help, which was the biggest step I made in my life. I was open and honest about my thoughts, feelings and deep hatred towards myself. I moved home and realised that blood is thicker than water and my family will always be there for me no matter what.
Eventually, I started finding my feet, small steps day by day, bit by bit and every day I got a little bit stronger. But there were still some days, I felt I hadn’t moved or made a change. I learnt my triggers, what pushed me over the edge and how to keep myself alive through a technique I was taught – mindfulness.
I moved to Ngatea after meeting my partner Terence Potter, a 2IC on an 1100-cow farm. Right from the beginning I was honest about my mental state of mind and he has been the one to support and help me grow into the person I am today.
I started off slowly in dairying rearing calves last season. I found it extremely challenging as they got older and wouldn’t go back in the pen. I had a few cries and quite a few bad words came out of my mouth.
Rearing calves felt very similar to when I was working with children. In a way they are just as dependent on you as children, which bought out my nurturing side.
I then became a drive-in milker, which pushed me to my limits but I loved the work. I loved being outside, working with cows and learning. I am so grateful to my first employer for teaching me so much about farming, giving me independence in the shed and teaching me right from wrong.
This season I’m full time farm assistant on the 360-cow farm, Terence is the contract milker. For me farming isn’t a career, it’s a lifestyle and one that is helping me. It’s a lifestyle I’ve had to adapt to. It’s challenging to describe what my depression is like as it changes day to day, for example.
Sometimes my days are like walking through a never-ending tunnel. I can see myself walking and walking towards the light that beams out the end but when I look back, I’m right where I started and I haven’t accomplished anything.
Night times are a struggle for me. I am restless and anxious and don’t end up going to sleep till 11pm knowing full well I have to be at the girls’ paddock at 5am the next day. The 5am starts never change when the girls are relying on you for their overnight pressure to be released.
The next day arrives so quickly like I hardly slept again. My mind is clear this time. I listen and observe my surroundings – something I got told to do – the coldness against my skin, the frogs croaking in the distance and the moon lighting up the race.
Every morning I greet the girls with a good morning even if I’m not feeling the best. I will take a few minutes to give the girls a pat before we head off to the shed and this makes me feel loved knowing that they are waiting on me.
A catchy song comes on in the shed which gets me moving. They say dance like nobody’s watching and I can sing as loud as I want and the cows don’t judge me. The colours dancing across the sky as the sun rises for the day make me feel alive.
For me, these little things mean a perfect day.
Bees are buzzing, birds are singing, the skies are blue and a light breeze across the land are the things we would miss out on if we gave up.
Since starting dairy farming I am emotionally happier. I can connect with my surroundings, making me feel at peace. Coming from Auckland, life feels so much fresher with cleaner air and not much noise pollution unless you count the bulls bellowing in the distance.
I sometimes feel very isolated and farming can be if we don’t reach out. I have a fantastic support person from Rural Support Trust named John. He helped me get through my first season of farming when I started to lose confidence in myself.
I wish sometimes there was a magic pill to fix how I feel but unfortunately not.
I have so much support around me but sometimes I don’t see it or I am in denial that I need someone to talk to.
My mother is my biggest cheerleader. She lifts me up and motivates me to do my best. And as this is my first year in farming, Terence encourages me to do the best I can and to physically and mentally challenge myself. He is literally my rock and someone who is there no matter what.
Recently I had to seek help from the mental health crisis team and my GP. I have been feeling a little bit but of sorts, still waiting for my roller-coaster to start slowing down. They have put in place a routine to help me and to feel better starting the morning off with a walk and a swim.
I’m not going to say life is hard, get used to it or deal with it.
All I am going to say is this: I know how you feel too. Prove to the ones who doubt you, prove to the ones who don’t think you are good enough and prove to yourself that you are worthy (because you are).
Create your own, achievable goals, live to your standard not to others’ standards. If you feel you are alone in this world or in farming speak out to friends, family or a community leader.
For me, speaking out and sharing my journey gives me confidence that I’m okay, I am still breathing, I still exist and this isn’t a dream.
I am 22 years old and a proud dairy farmer who is living with depression.
Rural Support Trust: Rural people helping rural people
Are times a bit tough?
How about talking to someone who really understands the pressures of rural life?
Rural life can be challenging and stressful.
Stress can be caused by many factors that can build up, from relationships to the weather. Sometimes all that is needed is someone neutral to listen.
Trust co-ordinators are experienced in helping people find options to manage rural challenges and can refer you to a professional for services like counselling and financial and farm management or provide a mentor with a rural background in your specific sector with whom to talk.
The trust is run by local rural people who know from experience that severe weather, finances, relationships and work pressures can all mount up.
The trusts were formed to support rural people when times are challenging. There are 14 trusts across the country.
Each trust is run by local people who really know the area, are familiar with agribusiness and are well networked and trained.
Contact them any time.
Call 0800 RURAL HELP for a confidential chat about you, your business, the weather or your finances. Or talk to a neighbour, partner, friend, family member or worker.
Their support is free.
And if you need more than a chat they can point you in the right direction.
