Friday, March 29, 2024

YEAH RIGHT: The dangers of vegetarian diets

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The Government is rushing to bring in emergency regulations to limit the consumption of vegetable products after an explosion, quite literally in some cases, in the number of fatal fart attacks.
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“This is a serious, in both senses of the word, health problem and not to be taken lightly,” health authorities’ spokeswoman Di Seazes said.

Some people have seriously injured themselves by trying to hold in excessive amounts of gas when in polite company.

The pressure that puts on internal organs is causing a headache for doctors and adding thousands to waiting lists for operations.

Some people have also caused serious tears to their bottoms when they eventually let the pressure escape.

And there are also unforeseen consequences.

One man recently killed himself and six relatives while injuring another 15 at a family Christmas gathering.

After overdosing on salad at lunchtime they made a serious attempt to eat most of the Brussels’’ sprouts at the roast dinner in the evening. 

The man then sat down and, unfortunately, lit a cigarette in the dangerous family atmosphere, the survivors of the resultant explosion said.

“Not only is it killing people it is swamping hospitals and surgeries with thousands of reckless plant eaters who then need time of work costing the country billion in lost productivity.

“It’s got to the stage where doctors now have to prescribe meat to give these people some substance. We’re thinking of bringing in fines for people who wilfully abuse themselves by not eating meat,” she said.

“Their behaviour is also high unpatriotic if not treasonous,” MP and farmer Kau Pattize said.

”If they weren’t already killing themselves I’d suggest we bring back the death penalty for such treachery.

“We might have to do that anyway, though. The number of unemployed farmers is putting such a strain on the dole bill we’ll have to find a new way of raising money.

“I reckon charging for admission to public executions will raise enough. Working on the principle that politicians have spent the last several hundred years fixing things that aren’t broken the fact most of these people are already dead shouldn’t be an obstacle.

“We’ll just pass a law giving them temporary membership of the living.

“Most of these greenies appear to come from another planet anyway so we can just say we’re protecting ourselves from aliens if any idiotic starts talking about human rights.”

Sezes said most of the problems stemmed from people overindulging in foods like beans, broccoli, Brussels’ sprouts and raw cabbage. 

People were also eating huge quantities of novel foods made from organisms such as algae, bacteria and fungi of the sort found on compost heaps. 

“They think these foods are good for them but in such quantities they are an explosive mixture.

“People are in effect eating rotting vegetation and other degrading material and becoming mini methane-making machines.”

And that was creating another problem.

“New Zealand has now become the land of the long white gas cloud,” environment authorities spokes woman Claire Thair said.

“Öur greenhouse gas emissions reductions targets are now unattainable.” 

And, Seazes said, that was making the air in less windy, in the old-fashioned sense of the word, almost unbreatheable on some days.

“In high population areas with lots of windy vegetarians and little natural wind there are major respiratory problems.”

However, people in places like Wellington and Palmerston North are faring better as nature blows away the pollution.

Similarly, people who have recently been students are not too badly affected because they are used to living with the consequences of eating cheap beans, lentils and cabbage. They are accustomed to living in smelly conditions in grotty flats, particularly in Dunedin.

There are also major law and order implications, police spokesman (Big) Rod O’Fien said.

“We understand using farts as an offensive weapon started innocently enough but then got out of hand.

“People did things like letting off if they were in a hurry to get to the head of a queue or wanted a table in a crowded restaurant.

“These things were not good manners but they weren’t illegal.

“Then the vandals got in on the act and started using their emissions to blow up public toilets. Unfortunately we didn’t catch them because we had nothing to go on.

“But now things have taken a serious criminal turn.

“Last week a group of thieves wearing gas masks went into a dairy and all let off at once.

“This threw the customers into a blind panic as they rushed from the shop so they didn’t manage to get any descriptions.

“While the owner and his wife were lying on the floor holding their noses and searching for some breatheable air the thieves made off it cash, cigarettes and pre-packed salads.

“People should be aware police will not tolerate this new threat to law and order and intend to get to the bottom of the matter as quickly as possible,” O’Fien said.

“They’re not going to make arses of us.”

Criminal Fraternity Robin Banks said there seemed to be no honour among thieves these days and such behaviour was not condoned by career criminal.

“But it’s not a matter we want to give too much air. It’s tainting honest criminals.”

Treasury think tank spokeswoman Penny Forrem said it thought leaders were worried the high demand for vegetable matter and plant proteins could add to inflation.

Green movement spokesman Ty M’Bom said people should not stop eating their greens because they helped keep their movements regular.

“These so-called problems have been blown up out of all proportion.”

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