Damn, I did it, just like that. It’s harder than you would think.
Look, he’s ruined life for satirists because real life has now become satire but he’s manna from heaven for columnists.
Even though I hadn’t written about Trump for a few weeks I thought I’d spare you more column inches on the man but he’s like going past a traffic accident where you know you shouldn’t look but you can’t help yourself.
Maybe they could design the Trump Test for columnists. This is my idea based upon the test where you put a lolly in front of a three-year-old and tell them that if they manage not to eat it for five minutes they will be rewarded with two lollies.
Most fail dismally but those toddlers with enough self-restraint apparently become leaders, successful, saints and the good people in life. I would have failed badly if put through the toddler test, I’m sure.
However, if my editor said “Steve, if you don’t write about Trump for two months I will let you write two columns on the man in a row and take you out for a very good lunch with your choice of wine” then I think I’d have a fighting chance.
But I’ve ruined it for this week so what the hell.
Best laugh of last week coming out of Camp Trump was when his counsellor Kellyanne Conway (who it must be admitted played a decent part in getting him elected) said White House press secretary Sean Spicer’s false statements about the inauguration were actually “alternative facts”.
This was over the stoush about whether more folk attended Obama’s or Trump’s initial inaugurations.
The aerial photos clearly show a lot more at Obama’s but Trump’s team has shown a remarkable ability to argue that black is white and up is down.
So, they have simply stated that Trump’s numbers were higher whereas the evidence is that there were three times more at Obama’s and despite Trump’s assertions between two to three times the numbers at the Women’s March the following day.
Thus, alternative facts have now entered the lexicon and if you thought you were having trouble with fake news, you’ve really got problems now.
It used to be that the alternative to a fact was a falsehood but, hey, let’s not quibble about such trivial matters.
The following day, after this storm in a teacup, we were all quite impressed with the fervour that the Central Intelligence Agency crowd greeted Trump given he’d been putting the boot into the agency for some months.
We then learned a new word.
If you are a claqueur you are part of a group (claque) that is paid to applaud as the Trump team had brought its own supporters for the visit to the agency.
Mind you, the strategy is a good one because they had hired actors to applaud when he announced his candidacy.
Then he finished the week arguing that millions of people voted illegally based on “studies and evidence” which cost him the popular vote to Clinton.
The valiant Spicer refused to offer the evidence but backed his leader’s claims saying Trump had believed this for a long time.
Republican leaders have told him to let the matter go and Senator Lindsey Graham called the comments "inappropriate", adding Trump should "knock this off".
He also said the president "seems to be obsessed with the idea that he could not have possibly lost the popular vote without cheating and fraud".
Meanwhile, Trump did what he said he would do and severed any chance of the United States joining the Trans Pacific Partnership – sending us and most of the other Pacific nations into the beckoning arms of the Chinese.
