Friday, March 29, 2024

FROM THE RIDGE: This interview is fake news

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SWH: President Trump, Steve here from The Ridge. Thanks for agreeing to the interview.DT: No problem boy. I like talking to my friends from Denmark.
Reading Time: 3 minutes

SWH: I think you are getting us mixed up with that big Danish island in the Baltic. I’m from New Zealand.

DT: Oh yeah, next to Australia. You’ve got some good real estate down there I hear. Isn’t that prime minister of yours pregnant. Belinda, right? Tell her Donald is a good name if it’s a boy.

SWH: Jacinda. Well she is while we are talking but the arrival is imminent, so anything could have happened by the time this is published. She’s had a lot of name suggestions but none of them Donald, or Steve for that matter that I know of.

I wanted to talk to you about your diplomacy with North Korea. Credit where credit is due, most of us thought that meeting would never happen or that it would end badly. It was only a few months ago you were calling him ‘Rocket Man’ and threatening to turn his country into an ash heap and he was calling you a “mentally deranged dotard.”

But it happened and who knows, something good might come out of it. If so, there will be a lot of folk in that region very grateful whatever the motivations.

DT: We had to do those insults to gain each other’s respect. Kim is a strong guy, a great negotiator and a strategic kind of guy. He’s got a very good personality, he’s funny, and he’s very, very smart.

SWH: Yeah, I heard you say that in another interview. If this thing falls over, your detractors will be playing that effusive quote repeatedly at your next election. He doesn’t come across as all that funny to be honest.

DT: He’s got some great jokes. They don’t even get lost in translation. You’ve got to meet him.

Look, the Democrats reckon I gave away too much. Ending those silly war games, agreeing to end the Korean War, lifting sanctions and inviting him to the White House. He might not have signed anything saying he’ll get rid of all his nukes but I’m pretty sure he will. I’ve got great instinct for these matters.

Now I’ve just got to sort out the Canadians.

SWH: You got very angry with Justin Trudeau and all he did was criticise those steel tariffs again. You’ve threatened to economically punish the people of Canada, which is extreme. Mind you, not as extreme as your trade advisor, Peter Navarro saying Trudeau was weak and dishonest and there was a special place in hell for him.

The Canadians are about as mild mannered, polite and reasonable as you could find anywhere. I thought they were your allies and friends.

DT: A lot of that 20 trillion of debt we have is from bad trade deals like the one we have with Canada and Mexico and I’m going to stop other countries ripping us off as well.

SWH: Isn’t America’s debt problem largely because you consume more than you produce? You are only 5% of the world’s population but consume 25% of the planet’s energy resources.

DT: That’s why we need to bring the Russians in from the cold. There’s a lot of oil and gas up there in Siberia.

SWH: Everyone is surprised how fond of Putin and the Russians you are. Do they really have something over you?

DT: Fake news and if you see that video the dishonest media has put my head on someone else’s body. The Russians and the North Koreans are terrific people with strong leaders.

SWH: It’s just that it appears you are a lot closer to your country’s former enemies than your allies and friends. An isolation policy is no good for the States or the rest of us.

DT: I must do whatever it takes to make America great again. Got to go.

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