President Trump (PT): No problem at all. I like talking to my friends in Noo Zealand. How’s Cindy? We are terrific friends. Looks like she’s doing a tremendous job down there with this China virus thing.
FTR: She’s good, I think. Yes, it appears that she and her Government have done a decent job on containing the spread of the virus but they have put in some strict measures to be able to do that. Naturally, a big lockdown for the last five or six weeks has had a large impact on businesses, people’s jobs, their lives and on the economy. Of course, because we have had just 1500 cases and 21 elderly folk die to date some are saying we have overreacted but this is exactly because of the control measures taken so it’s a bit of a Catch 22 situation.
PT: That was a great movie but I never really figured out what they were getting at. We are on top of this thing as well. My leadership has made sure of that. I’ve acted swiftly and if it hadn’t been for China, none of this would have happened. I’ve been tremendous and it’s all working out and because of that we have had just 60,000 people die and they said it would be hundreds of thousands. Maybe millions. We are stopping people getting sick, we are stopping them dying, we are getting back to work and we are going to make America great again.
FTR; That doesn’t appear to be the narrative we are seeing, even out of your own administration. You have just had over 1.2 million cases and they are saying because of the limited testing regime it is likely to be much higher. They say you have actually had 75,000 deaths to date which is a third of all deaths worldwide and one of your own confidential reports now forecasts 135,000 deaths by July because you are loosening up the restrictions too soon.
PT: My administration doesn’t know everything, they don’t know everything I know. I don’t even tell Pence. Just between you and me, he creeps me out. Always standing behind me with a slight smile like he’s waiting for something to happen. He was lucky he never got close to my valet who tested positive for the virus the other day. I’m a very stable genius. I’ll tell you something else, the media treats me worse than they treated Abe Lincoln. Look at that fuss over the disinfectant. The media knew I was being sarcastic but they went ahead and reported that I suggested injecting disinfectant into the body or somehow getting ultraviolet light inside to kill the virus as if I really thought it was a good idea. I bet the media were behind that mask factory I toured the other day blaring out Live and Let Die on the loudspeaker. It was so loud, no one could hear me talking. I don’t even like Guns and Roses. Now they are feeding fake news out just because one day I announced I was going to close down my coronavirus task force and then because I had new information I announced the next day I wasn’t. They don’t seem to understand that I need to be able to change my decisions very rapidly. That’s how I work. What do they think of me down in Noo Zealand?
FTR: Mr President, I don’t know how to answer that.
PT: I want you to be honest. I sack my own people when they lie to me. I sack them when they tell the truth as well, especially when it’s what I know is not the truth. They love me down there don’t they?
FTR: Well, I do meet the odd person who thinks you are doing okay. They often write after one of our chats. The rest of us spend a lot of time on You Tube watching parodies of you. There are so many. I wouldn’t be surprised if you go down as the most parodied person in history. They are very funny. They have helped me get through lockdown way better than I expected. I just read a piece in the Irish Times by a fellow called Fintan O’Toole. He wrote that Americans are locked down with a malignant narcissist who, instead of protecting his people from covid-19, has amplified its lethality. He went on to say your daily briefings are meant to be demonstrative of national unity but instead sow confusion and division. He reckons the actions of you and your Republican governors are not mere ignorance but deliberate and homicidal stupidity.
PT: That’s just typical of the media. They use words no one can understand. I went to Ireland last year. They loved me. You know they have a border there that would work really well if they built a wall? Which reminds me, I’ve got other stuff to do so thanks for the call.
