Friday, March 29, 2024

ALTERNATIVE VIEW: The 2018 Em(erson)y Awards

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Shakespearian Award for Succinct Prose. The staff at Otago Feds who wrote that as a result of the Labour Party conference being held in Dunedin ‘there was a notable increase in unwashed, unshaven and shabbily dressed folk in the form of anti-1080 protesters. They really don’t let the facts get in the way of their paranoia. Probably the least informed protesters, aside from those at Trump rallies’.
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Oscar Wilde Award for Cutting Commentary

Feds meat and wool head, Miles Anderson who described those at SAFE as ‘vegan fundamentalists’. He’s right.

Leading Denmark physician Dr Allan Lund maintains that a vegan diet causes mental disabilities and disorders and I believe SAFE are living proof of that affliction.

Harsh reality for me is that SAFE means Save Animals For Eating.

Court Jester Award for stupidity and irrelevance

Fonterra and its sycophantic Shareholders Council over its ridiculously stupid and irrelevant Board candidate screening process. Out of the three who played the silly game just one was elected and he would have been successful regardless. The two self-nominees received shareholder support and are on the Board. Time for a change.

Independent Kiwi Award

The Fonterra shareholders for ignoring all the b/s coming from the Board.

The Bicycles Need Fish Relevancy Award.

The Fonterra Shareholders Council who are about as much use as boobs on a bull. It needs drastic reform or disbanding.

Donald Trump Award for Fake News

Greenpeace with their billboard suggesting the farmer owned co-ops Ballance and Ravensdown were polluting rivers. One should remind these idiots that if it wasn’t for the two co-ops providing essential nutrients for the soil we wouldn’t be enjoying the standard of living we do.

The Emerson theory on Greenpeace is that it is there to remove cash from the naïve rather than reforming the environment. 

They certainly don’t let facts get in the way of their rampant rhetoric.

Got it Wrong

The weather forecasters who promised a dry spring and summer. That encouraged local farmers to shed stock. For the second year in a row we had record spring and summer grass. We need a lot more accuracy in weather forecasting. At the moment all the forecasters are achieving is to make economic predictions look good.

As one wit told me, NIWA stands for No Idea What’s Ahead.

School Master

Environment Minister David Parker who gave farmers a school master lecture on water quality while ignoring everything we’re doing to improve it. In addition I’d argue the scientific basis of his statements.

Then adding insult to injury he formed two advisory committees stacked with anti-farming individuals. He knows the report he’s going to get so why waste time and money going through the charade.

Organisational Award

Landcorp. They claimed that they had finally got it all together. If that was the case then I’d suggest they forgot where they put it.

Communicator of the Year Award

Federated Farmers for the second year in a row.

They’re punching well above their weight, their communications are always relevant and succinct and the board and senior management is the best I’ve seen.

Joint Winner

Agriculture Minister Damien O’Connor who’s been open, transparent and effective.

The Alchemy Award for Shoddy Science

Oxford University who published a dodgy ‘research’ project suggesting taxing meat to recover health care costs. It suggested that the price of sausages, bacon and burgers should increase by 80%. That would leave the poor people having to eat steak and put sausages, burgers and bacon in the luxury category thus increasing their consumption.

The Bludgers Award

Those with electric vehicles. They pay no fuel tax, no road user charges and want privileged car parks. EVs in their current form are of little use to the rural sector and someone has to pay to maintain roads. 

Waste of Space Award

The Green’s for their obsession with cycle ways. As with EV’s they’re little use to the rural sector and it would be great for more money to be spent on rural roads. The millions so far wasted would be more productive going to the Manawatu Gorge which is a disgrace. Further I’m not going to hop on my bike to cycle 50 k’s into Masterton to attend the stock sale.

The $23 million wasted teaching kids to ride bikes would have been better used resurrecting Taratahi where the country would see real benefit.

Finally, bikes are discriminatory to those with hemorrhoids.

The Arrogance in Extremis Award

Landcorp for wanting us to pay tax on nitrogen fertilisers, water and capital gains. Obviously a great idea to the non-practical shiny arses in Wellington who would be totally unaffected by the taxes they are trying to foist on the rest of us.

Further, the sneaky nature of their submission meant that I had to send an Official Information Act request to Landcorp to find out what they were proposing. Clowns. 

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