The last memory Elle Perriam has of her boyfriend Will is of him laughing, making jokes and creating plans for the weekend.
Days later, he died by suicide. He was just 21.
It was a loss that came out of the blue for everyone who knew him, with aftershocks of grief and loss that rippled from his immediate family and through the wider community.
Will was a son, brother and boyfriend. He had good group of friends, was a North Otago shepherd and accomplished rodeo competitor and was often described as a happy-go-lucky young man who would do almost anything for anyone.
That was in December 2017.
Several months later Perriam and her sisters Sarah and Kate started the Will To Live Foundation. Their aim was to provide support for rural people aged 20 to 30 feeling desperate and isolated.
“We put our heads together and thought ‘what is this demographic not getting out of the mental health system?’”
She realised it was particularly challenging for those in rural areas to get help.
Perriam, who grew up between a West Coast cattle farm with her mum and her dad’s place in Central Otago, knew that first-hand.
“No one I know would likely take a day off to drive three hours to Christchurch to go see a counsellor. And, even if they tried, they’d probably be on an eight-week waiting list. Not to mention it’s hard to get days off in the middle of lambing or shearing.
“I just thought that wasn’t good enough.”
But going to local pubs where farmers are comfortable could be a more approachable and realistic way of having that crucial conversation.
And that’s exactly what she did.
Perriam has just visited 17 rural towns on a nationwide tour, dubbed Speak Up, with an important message of resilience that it’s not weak to speak.
A travelling companion for Perriam and mascot for the campaign was Will’s three-year-old dog Jess – a black huntaway he broke in before he died – that conveniently embodies the black dog metaphor for mental illness awareness.
The tour included the chance to talk about mental wellness with experts and those who have experienced depression.
Perriam described the events as a casual evening of talks and tips on the topic of getting through the tough times while living in isolation and how to navigate the storms together as a community.
“It was a really good night off-farm for farmers. They knew they weren’t going to get lectured.
“Most of us go to the pub and ask ‘what’s your tailing percentage?’ We forget to ask, ‘what’s really going on?’. We tend to hide the latter.
“We need to talk more openly about what’s going on physically and mentally.”
The tour focused on a preventive approach rather than being the ambulance at the bottom of the cliff, she said.
In each region Will to Live found a local farmer to speak to their community and share their story, to provide that local connection.
“It’s important we know how we can look after ourselves, our family and friends and our colleagues.”
After Will’s death Perriam suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder, depression and anxiety.
“I spiralled into a dark place and luckily got out the other side,” she said.
“Now I want to help other people feel like they’re not alone and learn that so many more people go through it than we think. We’re trying to make it easier to talk about it.”
Perriam is just one of the many Kiwis who’s been hit by the ripples of grief and pain left in death’s wake.
In New Zealand the number of suicides rose to 685 people in the year to June 30. It’s the highest-ever since records began.
Chief coroner Judge Deborah Marshall recently released the provisional suicide statistics, showing there were 17 more deaths than in the previous year – an increase of 2.5%.
The numbers weren’t a surprise to Perriam who said young people are increasingly in need of mental health services.
Research is on her side.
The State of the Rural Nation Survey released last October revealed rural people aged 18-39 are most affected by an overall elevated level of rural stress and anxiety.
Perhaps surprisingly, 85% in this age bracket have felt more stress in the past five years, significantly more than those over 55.
Perriam said learning more about mental health and how to reset the mind brought the light back into her life.
“Like anything on-farm, if you know how something works then you can fix it.”
Now she wants to share that knowledge with others.
About 120 people attended each Speak Up event – totalling more than 2000 farmers in nearly six weeks – which Perriam said was absolutely amazing.
A whopping $100,000 was raised from its charity auctions and is being put towards workshops next year.
Those events will focus on workplace leadership, resilience and nutrition.
Perriam’s efforts have not gone unnoticed. She was recently named a finalist in the Women of Influence Awards.
And later this month she takes a brave and unusual step telling her story on Country Calendar.
Few rural New Zealanders have opened up on national television about the cost of mental health.
There’s a simple reason for that: when it comes to suicide, our culture has, in the past, demanded absolute silence. But unless we’re willing to allow more people to take their own lives the silence, shame and stigma need to stop – right now, she said.
Will to Live does not get government funding. It is funded by farming groups, industry and rural folk.
But it’s not a money issue, Perriam insists.
“It’s a cultural one in this country.
“Why is NZ’s suicide rate so much worse than many other parts of the world? Dare I say it, we still have a Southern man stigma.
“People are not used to expressing emotions because they fear being deemed weak or judged or labelled. We really need to break that stigma. We all need to step forward and have a go at challenging that conditioning,” she said.
“You don’t have to know all the answers if someone comes to you with a problem. You just need to reassure them that you’ll walk alongside them and find them someone who can help.
“Stick by their side.
“Everything bad that happens to you is an opportunity to change your perspective.
“It’s a really hard thing to do but it’s a chance to grow.”
WHERE TO GET HELP:
1737, Need to talk? Free call or text 1737 to talk to a trained counsellor
Rural Support Trust 0800 787 254
Depression.org.nz 0800 111 757 or text 4202
Lifeline 0800 543 354
Suicide Crisis Helpline 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)
Kidsline 0800 54 37 54 for people up to 18 years old, open 24/7
Youthline 0800 376 633, free text 234, email talk@youthline.co.nz, or find online chat and other support options here.
Samaritans 0800 726 666
What’s Up 0800 942 8787, for 5-18 year olds. Phone counselling available Monday-Friday, noon-11pm and weekends, 3pm-11pm. Online chat is available 3pm-10pm daily.
thelowdown.co.nz Web chat, email chat or free text 5626
Anxiety New Zealand 0800 ANXIETY (0800 269 4389)
Supporting Families in Mental Illness 0800 732 825.
