Those are some of the take-home messages from a discussion with Hamilton counsellor Bryce Diprose.
Bryce sharemilked for five years before he exited farming.
“I finished when I paid off the debt on our cows. Then I built a house in town.”
For the next 16 years he was a production supervisor at the Hautapu dairy factory and then completed a degree in counselling “with the idea that if I help one person it has to be worthwhile”.
He has helped many in his 10 years as a counsellor and now with the team at Counsellingworx in Hamilton East.
“The farming spirit is very much a pioneering spirit and there’s the kiwi male attitude that we are meant to be in control. But as we get older we realise we are not 10 feet tall and bullet-proof.”
He sees the discussion of mental health being normalised, thanks to Sir John Kirwan and others, but still there’s a social stigma that puts people off seeking help when under persistent stress, which if unmanaged can lead to anxiety and ultimately clinical depression.
Usually clients are referred by a doctor who has learned of the patient’s lack of sleep, perhaps habitual use of alcohol, drugs or cigarettes, poor diet, stressed relationships, lethargy and a general lack of well-being.
Stress is a normal part of life, Bryce says, but when prolonged the release of neurochemicals and hormones that prepare us for action can contribute to both physical and emotional problems.
“The signs of stress include getting angry a lot easier, everything being harder to do and ongoing procrastination.
“One farmer told me ‘I milk my cows, that’s it’. There was no pasture walk or calling the vet or involving others so his response to stress was making his situation worse.”
Bryce Diprose of Counsellingworx (www.counsellingworx.co.nz)
Other signs are unopened bills, ignoring calls from the bank manager, not going to the accountant and not calling the vet or farm advisor when there’s an apparent need.
“You become paralysed. It’s the fight, flight or freeze response from the older part of our brain. It’s not good for making decisions. But you’re not crazy and there’s a sense of relief when clients see the condition for what it is.”
Our focus narrows to an imminent threat or problem, we lose the wider perspective and our thinking is distorted, as when irrationally personalising another person’s comments or actions.
“We don’t see the bigger picture. It’s the marketplace, the weather and a 50% cut in payout last year and this year – all stuff that’s outside our control.”
Someone over-stressed will likely forecast the worst happening, without a real basis in fact, and tend to ignore the positives that would balance the negatives.
One client, a young farmer, had taken over the management of the family farm and despite good production results he felt he was a failure, to the extent his concerned father returned from overseas.
“The turnaround for him was to see himself in the light of restrictions on the industry at that time and being caught in a cycle. Those external pressures did not make him a failure.”
Bryce says farmers identify with his stress analogy of a faulty ballcock overfilling a trough that gradually empties the tank on the hill.
“It’s happened to me on the farm – just a small leak but it can empty the tank, so we need to act to balance what’s going in and going out.”
Any form of exercise that causes the heart to beat harder is medically recognised as a great way to restore balance “and that exercise doesn’t include working on the farm. You have to get off the farm, go for a walk or a bike ride”.
It helps, he says, to remind yourself of those things you are grateful for, the people in your life, your family, your partner and children.
“In the negative bucket you see huge boulders and only a few pebbles in the positive bucket, but if you keep picking up pebbles then the positive bucket is soon full.”
Social withdrawal is another symptom of stress.
“I often say to clients you almost have to do the opposite to what you feel, so if you feel like staying at home and someone rings to invite you to a barbeque … well, actually, you need to go.”
Usually a spouse or partner will prompt a visit to the GP and typically a client arrives to describe stress symptoms going back two or more years.
“Recently a client said he doesn’t think he’s managing well because he is aware of his stress, which to me is a step ahead of accepting that his stressed behaviour is normal.”
It is also helpful to realise that a condition of stress, anxiety or depression is not defining who you are but only something you have for a while, like a cold or broken leg, and it’s OK to admit to feeling stressed or overwhelmed.
“A bit of stress is fine. It’s a motivator. The question is ‘are we managing the
stress or is the stress managing us?
“One client, who I would describe as a man’s man, went hunting with his mates and around the campfire said he couldn’t drink because he was struggling with depression and was on anti-depressants. He was totally surprised at how supportive they were.
“We blow up in our minds what people’s perceptions will be. His mates told him ‘sweet as mate, you can be the sober driver’, which he was prepared to do in any case.”
Bryce recommends four instant ways to help ease the stress:
- breathe deeply
- focus on the moment
- reframe your thinking
- keep things in perspective or balance.
Longer-term changes for the good include exercise, sleep and a dramatic reduction of caffeine, smoking and alcohol-drugs.
“For the longer term ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’ and that can be with any trusted friend or associate although those opportunities seem fewer on today’s farms.”
A counsellor, he says, can help clients look at underlying influences such as hereditary tendencies, a need to avoid disapproval, a need to achieve to be worthwhile, a compulsion to worry
about ‘what ifs’, a dependence on someone stronger or a belief that the influence of past events is causing today’s problems.
